


Loved

by Lindsey7618



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments (Movies), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Cutting, Hurt Alec, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sad Alec, Self Harm, Shadowhunters - Freeform, alec self harms, self harm cutting, self harm mentions, the mortal instruments - Freeform, this hurt to write i'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-12-15 05:52:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11799771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lindsey7618/pseuds/Lindsey7618
Summary: Alec's voice grew quieter. He suddenly found he didn't have the strength in him to yell anymore. "I just want to be beautiful," he whispered, his tears dripping down his face silently, "I just want to be loved," and he collapsed, pulling his knees in to hug them, sobbing into his arms.





	Loved

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: feels?

"Hey." Magnus sat down next to Alec and touched his shoulder. "Are you okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" Alec asked, trying not to snap, but he knew he had failed. He could hear the hostility in his own voice. 

Magnus raised an eyebrow at him. "Do you really want me to answer that? You've been moody for days, snapping at anyone who even comes within five feet of you. You always look depressed and cross. I hate seeing you like this. Come on, Alexander." His voice turned soft. "Tell me what's wrong."

Alec breathed in, but instead of saying what he had planned ("I'm fine, it's nothing to worry about, don't worry, I'm just tired") tears pricked the back of his eyes. He quickly tried to blink them away, but it was too late. Once Magnus called him "Alexander" he was putty in his hands. 

"Nothing's wrong," he declared, but he could tell he wasn't fooling Magnus.

The warlock shook his head. "Alec," he said quietly. "Don't lie to me."

"I'm just tired, that's all," Alec said, and offered a small smile, hoping it didn't feel as fake as it felt. 

"I can tell when you're lying." Magnus turned so he could see him better. "I'm not leaving until you tell me."

Alec looked down. He didn't want him to think he was weak. He already knew he was pathetic. He didn't want to see Magnus's expression when he told him what was wrong. His disgust would be written all over his face. 

Magnus wrapped an arm around him, pulling Alec into him gently. He pressed a kiss to his forehead, but his lips stayed where they were. Alec was much to aware of them. "Please tell me," Magnus murmured into his skin. 

Alec sucked in a quiet breath. It was hard to refuse his boyfriend like this. 

"Please?" Magnus looked directly into his eyes, giving him his best puppy eyes. 

Slowly he shook his head. "You don't want to know."

Magnus frowned and took his hand, tracing circles on the back of it. "Why not?"

He swallowed and tried not to tense at Magnus holding his hand, fingers so close to the hidden scars that littered his wrist. "Because- because you'll only think I'm pathetic." His voice broke. "You can stop pretending now."

Magnus's eyebrows knitted together. "What are you-"

"I hate this!" suddenly burst out of Alec's mouth. "I hate how ridiculous I'm acting. I hate my crappy life. I hate how ugly I am. I hate how worthless and unimportant I am!"

His voice rose higher. "I just want people to really like me, I just want to really like myself, and to actually mean it, to not pretend to myself for once." 

He looked down at Magnus and realized at some point he had stood.

Magnus looked surprised and dismayed.

Alec's voice grew quieter. He suddenly found he didn't have the strength in him to yell anymore. "I just want to be beautiful," he whispered, his tears dripping down his face silently, "I just want to be loved," and he collapsed, pulling his knees in to hug them, sobbing into his arms. 

Not even a second later, Magnus gathered Alec in his arms and hugged his tightly. The Shadowhunter buried his face into his boyfriend's dark shirt, breathing in sharply. 

"Oh Alec," Magnus murmured, brushing his hands down Alec's arms. "I didn't know- I didn't realize your self esteem was this low."

"I'm sorry," Alec whispered into the shirt. 

"Don't apologize." Magnus's hands ghosted over his back. 

He just shook her head. "I'm sorry," he whispered again. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Magnus tilted Alec's head up towards him. "Why didn't you ever tell me?" There was no judgement in his face. 

He bit his lip so hard it drew blood. "I-I didn't want you to know. I was afraid you would leave me. That you'd realize how worthless I am. I know it's selfish, but- I just wanted you to be mine for a little while longer." 

He looked down, brushing tears out of his eyes. 

"Oh, no." Magnus shook his head. "Stop right there, darling. I will never leave you. You're stuck with me for forever, okay?" He smiled faintly. "And you are not worthless. You are perfect. You're gorgeous. You're the most important person in the world to me, okay? I will always be yours."

Alec didn't answer. Magnus was sweet, but that was just it- that was all it was. He was just being nice. He was a genuinely nice person. He had bothered Magnus enough. 

Magnus sighed and pulled Alec into him again. "I hope someday you realize how much I love you," he said quietly, "but until then I will tell you every day how beautiful you are and how much I love you."

He pressed a soft kiss to Alec's hair and held him gently. Alec closed his eyes. One more day of pretending, he told himself. Just one more day and then you can tell Magnus that he can leave you. You don't deserve him anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is probably shitty, I'm really sorry. I'm exhausted right now, my eyes have been burning all day, but I wanted to get this done before I forgot.


End file.
